my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
