I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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