you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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