If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
