Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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