So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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