Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
