i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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