I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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