I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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