I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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