so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
