Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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