I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
