Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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