I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
