You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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