my phone needs a breathalizer
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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