Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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