Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
