apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
