I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
