Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
