So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
