he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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