I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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