I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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