Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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