The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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