Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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