you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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