Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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