i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
