I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
