More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
