Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
