I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you would pick up someone in the library
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
