my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
