trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
