i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
