god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
