My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
