Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
