Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
