fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
