i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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