I puked a lego.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
