Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
