Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
