That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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